Downsize

“The album’s on hold. I’ve downsized,” he would tell people. “You’ve been kicked out,” they would hear. “We grew apart, went our separate ways,” he would continue. “You cheated on your wife, she found out, took the kids and rinsed you for everything you had,” they would interpret.

Frank took a deep breath and moved to the kitchen.
“Vacuum the house, wash the sheets, pay the water bills.” His mind was a muddle of chores. β€œBut first,” he thought aloud, β€œtea.”
As he stirred the brew he recited his list.
“Pay the sheets, water the spare room, tidy the oven.”


leverage-room-1

This week I’ve attempted to rewrite an extract from a story I’ve been (trying) to write over the last year. The story of down and out, Frank – a failed musician, trying to get his life back on track. Whilst I have a synopsis, characters and a plan, I’ve not made much progress. I really ought to change that.

The photograph reminded me of the sort of space Frank had been left with.

So I hope you’ll indulge me a little – besides, it was fun (as well as a good exercise) trying to edit this paragraph or two down to 100 words.

This piece was submitted as part ofΒ Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. 1 photograph. 100 words. Follow the link and give it a try yourself!

Responses to “Downsize”

  1. rochellewisoff

    Dear Peter,

    If he follows that list to the letter there’s going to be a problem. πŸ˜‰ Sounds like Frank’s story has potential.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    1. MrBinks

      Thanks, I hope so. I must lock myself away and write the damn thing!

  2. BjΓΆrn Rudberg (brudberg)

    I think I see the problem Frank has.. maybe he should mend the holes in his sieve πŸ™‚

  3. Sightsnbytes

    I agree. the biggest problem for me is limiting my story to 100 words

  4. Claire Fuller

    I love both halves of this piece – how people interpret what he says is such a great idea. Almost like a conversation but not. And the second half of muddled lists is also lovely – a real insight into his character. But, perhaps because of the editing, the two halves didn’t seem to go together – not a problem though: we got two stories for the price of one!
    Claire

    1. MrBinks

      Thanks for the feedback, Claire. I think I agree with you. They don’t hang together perfectly, but I think I almost got away with it; it’s just not as complete as if I’d written something from scratch for FF as I would normally.

  5. Courtney Wright

    Love it! But I can so this as myself some days….. Great story for FF πŸ™‚

    1. MrBinks

      Thanks Courtney.

  6. storydivamg

    Peter,
    My favorite part of this is the confusion at the end. At least if he pays the sheets there’s a chance he’ll have a pleasant surprise upon awaking one morning.

    Cheers!
    MG

    1. MrBinks

      Thanks for reading again, MG.

  7. Sorchia D

    Poor Frank. You’ve provided a lot of info about him in a short space. Good luck with that writing thing–the hardest part is sitting down at the keyboard πŸ™‚

    1. MrBinks

      That and coming up with good words that flow in an order in which people will care to read πŸ˜‰

  8. Indira

    Loved both parts. in 100 words came out beautifully.

    1. MrBinks

      Thank you for the kind comments.

  9. aliciajamtaas

    The push and pull of this story is delightful.

    1. MrBinks

      I love this comment (no he doesn’t).
      I really do.

      (Does he though?)
      Yes.

  10. Jessie Ansons

    I love the idea for your novel and this photo is perfect for Frank’s room. It might not look so good after it’s been watered though…

    1. MrBinks

      Cheers Jessie.

  11. Nan Falkner

    Dear Mr. Binks, I think he should have been faithful to his wife so he would still be sane today. He has lost everything – including his mind, I think. Good story! Nan πŸ™‚

    1. MrBinks

      I concur. Thanks, Nan.

  12. margirene

    At least he has his priorities right. Before you do anything else – have a nice cup of tea. He’ll be OK. Enjoyable story.
    Marg

    1. MrBinks

      πŸ™‚ Thanks for reading.

  13. Maree Gallop

    Clever story … I’m sure it will all work out in the wash!

    1. MrBinks

      Cheers, Maree.

  14. plaridel

    i wonder if it was his wife’s old to-do list… poor frank.

    1. MrBinks

      He’s just down on his luck is all. He’ll be ok. Right?

  15. talesfromthemotherland

    Mr Binks, I think you’ve found a groove here; this works and makes me want more. The confusion of a broken– nice job!

    1. MrBinks

      Groovy! Thanks for the lovely comment.

  16. David Stewart

    I’ve always liked that theme of conversational translation: the difference between what one person says and another person hears. It’s a great literary device. I like the last line too. I’ve been there. πŸ™‚

  17. liz young

    His mind obviouly is still with his recent breakup!

  18. wmqcolby

    Binks, I did the same thing with some of my flash fictions, just narrowed them down from bigger stories. This is nice.

  19. helenmidgley

    I love how you wove the dialogue, fact and fiction make uncomfortable bed fellows. Great job as usual πŸ™‚

  20. lingeringvisions by Dawn

    I enjoyed your indigence. I pictured him very well I think.

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