Tag Archives: cheese

Diet Plans

As the office left for a pub lunch, Rachel opened the folder entitled Diet Plans.

Inside were 4 separate spreadsheets. Each one was labelled “NEW Diet Plan” followed by one of the following words:


She positioned the mouse cursor over the word Bikini and double clicked. The hard drive of the ageing work PC chugged into life as an Excel document dragged itself onto the screen.

Her eyes scanned the spreadsheet taking in the data from several key fields. Her mouth moved rhythmically as she took another bite of the double Gloucester and sweet pickle sandwich.


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No Smoking

There had been no smoking in Workshop for about 30 years now. No alcohol, no music, no dancing, no sexual activity of any kind and bizarrely no Swiss cheese fondue. Those that would dare to flounce the laws tended to go a bit missing shortly thereafter.

To suggest that people had objected to these strange rules would be to put it lightly. To say that this was, without a doubt, the reason that 100% of the village had moved on to pastures new would be very astute.

Still, Lord Jonah Lincoln preferred it that way.
He never did like people.


Submitted for Friday Fictioneers photo prompt. See if you can write a piece of flash fiction in 100 words.

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It’s good to see that the surreal is alive and well

in the child that sits in the back seat of my car.

When told from the front to the back that in fact

this child of mine smelled of cheese,

he slapped his thigh and laughed with a sigh

and declared that in fact it was broccoli.

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There will be cereal

I’ve noticed that I’ve been eating a hell of a lot more junk food lately.
Now I’m not saying that’s your fault, but it certainly needs to be addressed. I need to be disciplined.
Action needs taking against the consumption of white bread, of crisps and of cheese. You know you’re in trouble when you look back at a fortnights worth of munching and realise that you quite possibly have eaten cheese in some form or another every single day.

So today there will be a weigh in. Something I don’t do very often, because, well, I don’t care for it. I know I’m heavy. One of my legs weighs roughly the same as a Justin Bieber, so I’m not going to learn anything by weighing myself every day; in fact, I don’t think anyone gains anything from doing that. However, when you start to feel like a sloth then something needs to be done and so today there will be a weigh in and because I’m of the geeky variety, I’ll be using Wii Fit to track my progress.

I’ve always disagreed with Wii Fit’s decision to call almost anyone with an ounce of body fat MORBIDLY OBESE, and thankfully I have fairly thick skin (actually, my skin is the same density as crete paper) but sticks and stones and all that. What Wii Fit does do well, is the ability to give me a pretty graph that I can look at whilst eating an eclair.

So there will be a weigh in. There will also be cereal. The best way for me to ignore my biggest enemies (namely bread, cheese, myself and crisps) is to cut out the packed lunch mentality engrained in me since school and to ignore those wicked vices,turning instead to the delights of cereal. Lovely, lovely, cheesy cereal.

Wish me luck.

You tasty fucker.
In your coat made from bread and some butter.
Why must you look at me with those come-to-bed-eyes
that glint and that wink that just makes me die.

You know I love you.

So why must I hide you away from my heart
when all that I want is to take you apart,
with my teeth and my jaws working in tandem.
Oh yeah, the fat, the cholesterol and all that calcium.

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