I long to play some football, my circle isn’t interested in that sort of thing and the extended ring to which I once belonged is now a fading memory; my waistline, in contrast, is an ever expanding reality.
My thumbs are as fit as fiddles – if fiddle thumbs were a thing, they’d be challenging in all sorts of competitions, winning little fiddle thumb trophies and signing autographs for fiddle thumb fans from all four corners of the world.
“Spurs v Liverpool?”
“Do it.” – “Wait. Versus or co-op?”
“Co-op.”
“Co-op.” “Wait.”
“What now?”
“Online or against the computer?”
“Good call. Er… Shall we take the good fight online?”
“Fuck yeah.”
Frank picked up the xbox controller and started flicking through the game’s menu screen.
“Beer?”
“Sure, dude, help yourself whilst I get us set up”.
Ash climbed out of the faded brown leather beanbag with a loud “ooof”, accompanied by the now far too familiar sound of cracking knees.
“was that your back?”
“Knees. Seriously, Franky, when are you going to spring for some fucking furniture?”
“I have furniture”, Frank replied not looking away from the TV.
“You have a chair. YOUR chair”.
“It’s a good chair.”
“It is, but as I point out, it’s YOUR chair. Your only chair. It’s the only seat in the house”.
“There’s one upstairs”.
As Ash walked to the kitchen he called back, “That’s a toilet. It really doesn’t count”.
The dark oak floor creaked in sympathy with Ash’s knees as he padded through to the kitchen. Cookery books stood with unbroken spines on the worktop, book ended by an open, empty bread bin and an open, empty bottle of dark rum. On one wall a CD cover and disc, floating in an oversized rustic wooden frame took pride of place.
The album, entitled Windmills was by Sweet FA. A younger, thinner Frank stood side by side with 3 other long haired, fully bearded musicians against the backdrop of a beach at dusk. It always annoyed Ash that no windmills could be seen on the front cover; a point he always mentioned to Frank every time he saw it.
“We’re all set. I chose Liverpool in the end.” Frank said, as Ash crept back into the room.
“You have chosen wisely” Ash handed over the opened beer as if to reward. “Have you…”
“Yes, you spent so long out there I’ve already tinkered”.
“Good man. What are you waiting for? Punch it, Chewy!”
Frank selected ‘Find a Game’ and took a sip from his cold beer as the FIFA menus went about finding an opponent. Soon the loading screen made way for the big match reveal. Liverpool versus…. Tottenham Hotspur.
“ha ha ha, nice one” Ash picked up his pad as Frank begrudgingly selected OK.
“Shit it. I hate playing against my own team.”
“ha! No one likes it. Suck it up. Let’s gas these Jew bastards!”
“Dude!”
“What?”
“It’s like… every single time.”
“What is?”
“The chanelling of Adolf every time you play against Spurs. Do you not think it’s slightly racist? In fact, can you even be slightly racist?” Frank stopped to think about what he was saying.
“I… Christ, mate, I was only having a laugh..”
Frank turned to look at Ash, a look somewhere between confusion and resentment embedding itself within the furrows of his brow.
“Look, mate, I’m not saying you are a racist but you do sometimes come out with comments that could tumble straight from the mouths of Jeff, Cecil and ‘arry the Viking.”
“The dominos players from the Working Man’s Club? Do you know, Jeff once swallowed a pool ball as a bet. Legend.”
“Well yeah he is, they are, but they’re from a different time. Their views of the world are somewhat colourful at best.”
Ash cocked his head slightly to one side, “or not, as the case maybe”, he added.
A chorus of cheers erupted. At first Ash assumed he’d somehow been warped into a sit-com of his life, his witty line being met with rapturous applause before realising the TV was showing the animated Spurs players all dancing around the scorer. 1 nil.
“Bollocks! When did this kick-off?” Frank grabbed the pad.
“So you think I’m slightly racist?” asked Ash as he slid a pass into the feet of the stampeding, Frank. Frank continued his run down the right wing, “Great pass.” he said as he jinked past one, then another, his shoulders dipping subtly first to the left, then to the right.
“No. I don’t know. That’s my point I guess. Can you even be “slightly racist”?” He crossed the ball high into the air as Ash rose from his seat, craning his neck as his head came to meet it. A thundering header into the bottom left corner of the goal played out in front of him.
“and that’s how you…” Ash’s victory swagger was interrupted by a whistle. OFFSIDE flashed across the screen, cutting the celebrations short.
Frank held a hand up to the screen as the replay showed the decision in slow motion, “Ah come on, that was so definitely ON.”
“hmm, slightly offside I guess”, Ash offered reluctantly.
Frank turned to face the man-child sinking in the beanbag. “You can’t be slightly offside, you either are, or you aren’t. It’s black or white. Onside. Offside. There are no shades of grey here.”
“I dunno, remember that streaker we saw a few years back? There was definitely a touch of Shades of Grey about that. What were those marks on his back?” Ash digressed.
“So are we saying,” Ash thought for a moment before finishing his sentence, “that being offside is a bit like being a racist?”
Frank pondered this for a moment. He took a glug of the cold beer and wiped the remains from his hobo beard on to the back of his hand. “I think we are, yes.” Ash took a swig from his bottle and nodded in agreement as he let Frank continue.
“in so much that they are both black or white things. And before you say it, don’t.” Ash was already halfway through raising an eyebrow. “You either are, or you’re not.” Frank concluded.
“A bit like missing a train?” offered Ash. “Exactly!” Frank nodded, “it doesn’t matter if you’ve missed it by 5 minutes or 5 seconds. You’ve missed it. Everything in-between is just incidental.”
The fact that this debate was suddenly turning into somewhat of a character assassination was starting to bother Ash, “That’s all well and good, but I’m really not a racialist. Some of my best friends know someone that knew somebody that met this girl that once shared a kebab with a, you know, a coloured chap.” he said with a cheeky smile.
Frank laughed, “yeah, ok I know you’re not but the things you say are, and I guess therein lies the difference. You’re a smart dude, dude. I know you. You don’t harbour desires to see anyone suffer, and as far as I know you don’t say anything with venom, which leaves only one other reason…”
“Go on” urged, Ash.
“Well as far as I can see, you can certainly live your life without having to say those sort of things for what appears to be nothing more than a cheap laugh.”
Ash feigned a hurt look, “ahh, cheap laughs? Low blow, man. Low blow. Sammy thinks I’m the funniest bastard this side of Staines.”
Frank looked Ash square in the eyes. His stare was unblinking and delivered with all the emotion of an unfolded ironing board. “Sammy supports Arsenal.”
“That,” replied Frank, “is a fair point.”
Keith didn’t have a happy night
through connection drops and crying,
yet through it all he kept his cool
jogged on and kept on trying.
With through balls here and crosses there
his passes were quite inspiring.
Then The Egg would hatch a cunning plan
and scream, “I’m here, ARRIVING!”
Choppy liked to smash them hard,
he’d run ’till his hammies bled.
Though when the clock struck 10 past 10
It was always time for bed.
The Panda hails from Wales you know
he brings them all, each night
and when he assists, or scores or miss
they scream with all their might.
And then there’s Tubbalardo who,
went missing in January.
Some say he stands alone in ponds
Looking turkish and very hairy.
The gaffer runs through the middle,
and sometimes down the wing.
He’ll hold it up, then spray it ’round,
every Monday inside Your Ring.
My eyes are a bit weary and the coffee I’m rubbing into the sockets seems to be penetrating just enough to let me operate a keyboard at 40%. Apologies if this don’t read good. There’s a reason for my lethargy this morning, and that reason is FIFA’s Ultimate Team and Pro Clubs.
These two features from FIFA 13 are going to be the death of me due to the following reason:
1. Loss of job.
Ultimate Team has a web app and a phone app. These applications sync in with the xbox/pS3/PC game and allow you to build your Ultimate Team (FUT), bid on players in the online auction, sell players and commodities. The lot. At one point last week I found myself playing FIFA whilst simultaneously checking the iOS app for a Golden Right Back.
Doing this at work is NOT a good idea. It’s got that Ebay pull. Keeping your eye on the clock as it ticks away and you pray to the gods that no one else has spotted that player you want with 40 seconds to g…. NNNOOOOOOO!!!
2. Lack of sleep.
To call FUT addictive is to call crack cocaine a little powdery time waster. On the surface it’s easy to look at it and dismiss it as a way of EA to syphon a bit more cash from you via micro-content and in game purchases. Whilst that’s true, it’s quite possible to build up your wedge of in-game cash by working the auction house (buy high, sell low!! – no wait..) and by winning games both on and off line. In fact, the little money I’ve spent has wielded scant reward in terms of star players yet the sheer joy of opening a pack of cards harks back to the days of spending our pocket money at the corner shop buying up Panini stickers and trading cards.
Got. Got. Got. Need. Need. Oooh a shiny one!!
This need for the best players is only beaten by the need to tinker with your team. Building 100% chemistry and keeping your players fit, and happy. These pre-madonnas don’t like to play out of position and they much prefer playing with team mates from the same league or the same country. Thinking about it, perhaps someone needs to have a word with the Kick It Out campaigners on this one?
And then there’s Pro Clubs.
Pro Clubs is FIFA’s other online community. A place where chums from all walks of life can gather in their private (or public) club, pull on a virtual shirt in the form of your very own Virtual Pro, and take to battle on the field of play.
As a team member for the sedate Olympion Argos, my role is playmaking midfielder. A dream I’ve held for many years and one that, frankly, never materialised in real life; and like real life, it’s not actually materialising in-game either! Arse.
Still, there’s a reason for that. Your pro can only get better by doing things in game and online. The more games you play with your friends, the better your pro will get. It’s often the simplest ideas that are the best, and this hook along with many a laugh with your friends online can keep your head buried in game before someone mentions over the voice comms, “er… it’s 1.23am“.
Every. Single. Night.
So forgive me if I look like an unused extra from The Walking Dead, but my goodness, this years FIFA 13 is a bit good.
(Picture lovingly borrowed from the internets)
